Horrified looks from everyone in the room, when I admit how bad my postpartum was.

I had the most wonderful birth, I truly have such beautiful feelings when I look back at being in the hospital. I am so lucky to have that.

After 2 wonderful days we all arrived home and I jumped in the shower.

Tay hollered through the door that the hospital called and we needed to take Tayson back in.

That was a traumatic experience in itself. He’s fine, he had jaundice and I hated it, I won’t get into that. I only mention it because, I think that jumpstarted what was to come.

It was late evening and a panic attack just hit me.

Any time my newborn Tayson wiggled, made a fussing noise, or I remembered I was responsible for him, my heart raced so bad I almost threw up. Sometimes I actually did.

The next day Tay went back to work, and life was about to form a new normal.

In Taylors defense.

Mornings were always better for me mentally, so I told Tay to go, “I’d be fine.

I was not.

I remember calling DR. Offices, trying to find one with an opening immediately. I remember loading up my precious baby into the car. I remember crying so hard while driving to my appointment. I pulled over once or twice, because I could NOT SEE.

I went into the office and I’m absolutely sure I freaked the front staff out because I was seen immediately.

I could only speak intermittently to the DR. because I had to focus on breathing.

The DR left the room for a bit. I knelt down and begged Heavenly Father to tell her what to prescribe me.

(I’ve tried 8 anxiety medications in the past and knew a lot of them take weeks to work, if they EVEN work.)

I knew I needed something ASAP.

After much prayer and trusting the DR. I started medication immediately. (Like I took a pill a half hour later 😂)

I will say it ended HAPPILY.

It took about two weeks to feel fully back to my old self. But every day up to that I felt better and better.

(I didn’t need to throw up every time I looked at my sweet new born.) 🤪

I will also add, I didn’t just get back to my old self, I actually felt happier than I had been in a long time.. maybe ever!

Tayson's whole first year was magic!

Maybe it was mother hood, maybe it was me finally getting help for my anxiety instead of trying to naturally cope.

Maybe it was both.

I got help.

It’s almost been 4 years and I am actually STILL on that same medication.

I know GOD had a hand in it.

I am so grateful.

Postpartum depression can be intense, or subtle. It’s something we should talk about.

Everyone’s experience is different.

It’s common to have postpartum depression.

That doesn’t mean it’s NORMAL, you don’t need to feel embarrassed to say you aren’t “happy.”

It doesn’t mean you aren’t an amazing mother.

Get help.

And guys, check in on those new mamas!

Not everything I say is a fact but it’s my truth!

-Nicole Jordyn