When you are just DONE with life

Today has definently been one of those days where I am just done with life!

literally plans I have been trying to figure out for weeks just seem to keep falling through. ALL my efforts to grow my social media for YEARS are just not paying off the way I want them to. I had this big retreat that I had spent realistically 20 hours figuring out finally seeming like it was going to work, and then I two main keystones bailed!! (I know there is techniqually only one key stone but let me have this) I am so frustrated with today that I don't even care that I spelled technically wrong!

What even is the point of this blog??

I am not sure yet.. Ill prob try and spin it into something positive.. maybe ill just continue venting.

I get so many comments from people that I am "always happy" my life seems "perfect" I guess this is my very public way of letting people know, that I have these days too... Maybe even more often than you do! I am still over here fuming and trying to deal with all this bad news and feelings of failure, that I know if my sweet husband were to walk in and try to talk to me i'd literally bite his head off. (yes literally)

Yesterday my darling cousin (who is like 6 years younger than me but 10x wiser) gave a talk. She quoted Rocky Balboa and it literally left me in tears. Maybe because I had been feeling this way for a while, and today was just the straw that broke the camels back.. but I really needed to hear it!

“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!” – Rocky Balboa.

I have not seen the movie, I assume its about boxing.

While she was quoting this, each word it seemed, brought up a new trial I have been silently dealing with. I have been hit really hard lately. My recent struggles they aren't huge gut punches that are obvious to everyone why I would be knocked down. They have been like little bi*ch slaps. You know, the ones that leave you thinking.. what was that for? Well they add up!

I shock myself with how determined I have been to make this social media/ youtube passion of mine a career. Its been years of SO MUCH WORK and getting no where! I asked myself earlier, why don't I just quit? Oh how that would be so much easier. I would save so much water, because I could cut my stress baths in half! I choose to keep going, keep trying, keep taking those bi*ch slaps daily because I can not see myself doing anything else. I want it so bad. I have never felt this determined in my life.. thats how I know I will succeed. Not today, probably not even this year. But one of these days.

I know deep down my hard work will pay off one day, maybe not in the way I want it to. I was given this passion for a reason. I am given these hits and hills to climb to strengthen me. I freaking hate it! But in a weird way I am grateful for my trials because I know I am getting stronger.

Well what do you know, I did spin it into something positive. I am still super annoyed about my situation. I am not magically healed after venting. I just keep telling myself it's OK to not always feel OK.

Not everything I say is fact, but its my truth. I hope you will stick around and grow as a person with me.

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